What Did You Do In School Today?
Your child has been at school for four hours or more and you are dying to hear what he or she has been doing all that time away from you. Did he behave himself? Was she happy? Does he have friends to play with? Is she learning what she needs to learn?
You are not alone. All parents are curious about these things. But the information is usually hard to come by. Children may decline to answer or say that they don’t remember. Or, even worse, they think of something to complain about. Frustrated, sometimes we ask confusing or even inappropriate questions.
How can we find out what we want to know? What is the best way? To find the answers, I sought out Liege Motta, MCNS Educational Consultant.
“When you pick up your child from school, the child is in reunion mode,” Liege told me. “Children are feeling relieved that someone did come back for them. It is a transition time and transitions are difficult for young children. They can use a hug.”
Rituals are good for transitions. Parents are encouraged to establish rituals for picking up their children similar to the rituals they establish for dropping them off at school. Rituals should include a simple phrase such as “I am so glad to see you,” accompanied by a hug.
Liege encouraged me to put myself in the child’s place. After working all day, what do I want members of my family to say to me? Would I be happy if the first thing my husband said was, “What did you do at work today?” What would I answer? Would his anxious demeanor make me nervous? Was he worrying about something that I didn’t know about?
I considered this hypothetical situation. First of all, I would try to figure out what in the world he really wanted to know and why. Secondly, what would be of interest to him? What could be explained easily without putting it in context? Finally, is this something I really wanted to talk about?
So the first thing to do is to spend some time together again before you begin asking questions. After awhile your child may start to tell you things that went on at school without any prodding. But what if he doesn’t? What questions can you ask?
“Ask specific questions,” counsels Liege. “Don’t ask - Did you sing a song today? - or even - What song did you sing? - Rather, try—Did you sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?”
I began to see the logic in what Liege was saying. Instead of asking a child what she had for snack which might of happened two or three hours before, try - Did you have crackers today?
Sometimes trying a little humor can work wonders. A silly question such as—Did you eat dinosaur chow today at school? - can put a child at ease and get a conversation going.
Play can elicit information as well. Children love to play school and will “act out” situations that they have experienced themselves. They love to pretend to be the teacher. You can learn a lot about how they view their school experience by listening carefully to this pretend play.
Using stuffed animals, dolls or puppets to ask the questions you really want to know can also be productive. One puppet can ask the question to another puppet. Your child might enjoy answering these questions in the puppet’s voice even if he won’t answer it as himself. Engaging in play with children shows respect for them and what they do. It is also a lot of fun and a wonderful way to connect after hours away from each other.
If you have serious concerns about your child, it is best to voice them directly to your child’s teachers. But it is important to do that the right way. Most importantly, you should always speak to the teacher in private.
“Never ask a teacher about a child in front of the child,” emphasizes Liege.
Too often, teachers are put on the spot. A parent picking up a child will ask if he was a good boy that day. The child is standing right there listening for the answer, carefully scrutinizing the teacher’s words, tone of voice and facial expression. He wonders if he was a good boy or not. He may wonder what will happen if the teacher answers in the negative.
From a teacher’s point of view it is a difficult question to answer. What does the parent want to know and why? The child has been in school for at least four hours. Is the parent asking if the child caused some sort of trouble? Hit someone? Didn’t listen to a teacher’s instructions? Is the parent asking if the child behaved well for all four hours? And what will the parent do with this information? She knows that the child is listening and watching and does not want to talk about him as if he weren’t there. But she is also trying not to be rude to the parent. Sometimes there are other parents and children listening as well, making the whole situation even more difficult.
It is not that teachers don’t want to communicate with parents. In fact, parent-teacher communication is considered to be extremely important at MCNS. Conferences are scheduled three times a year but parents are encouraged to communicate with teachers whenever they have questions or concerns about their children. Parents should call the teacher or send in a note to schedule a conference.
It is also important for parents to remember to communicate with teachers about issues that might affect their children’s performance in school such as an illness or death in the family or a move to a new home. But this should also be done in a discrete manner so as not to cause the child any more anxiety than is necessary.
“It is important to respect children’s lives outside the home,” emphasized Liege. “When children need to tell you something, they will,” she assures. “Let them initiate the conversation and then listen to your children. This initiation doesn’t have to be directed to you. It can come out in their play. But sometimes, if you listen carefully, that will give you a good idea for a question.”
